I miss you

I miss the looks on your face as you experienced different emotions. The joy, laughter, and happiness that filled me to see your face when you were surprised, happy, curious, intrigued, and being just plain silly.

I miss your smiling eyes, the way my heart would burst with happiness every time your face lit up and the way your laugh could echo through my heart. The way your smile would brighten a room and infect everyone around you.

I miss the sound of your voice wehn you called my name...mommy. The warmth that always filled me when you would blow me a kiss after I told you I loved you and the sweetness in your voice when you told me you loved me "this much".

I miss the feel of your hand in my hand, your little fingers wrapped around mine. The wholeness I felt knowing you were my purpose for being when I was able to rock you to sleep with my arms wrapped around you as my lips rested on top of your warm fuzzy head.

I miss the way you would tilt your head to the side whenever you were answering a question and your curiosity every time you asked a question. The way you loved, accepted, and talked about your treatments, the medicine, and the boo-boo that Dr. Mike took out of your belly.

I miss seeing your night light on in your room in the middle of the night, looking in on you sound asleep with your legs crossed and your arm over your head.

I miss calling Daddy from work and hearing you playing in the background, when Daddy would give you the phone so I could tell you "I love you" and you would blow me a kiss. Then I would ask you "how much does mommy love you?" and you would say "this much"!I miss seeing you sitting in your blues clues chair in front of your t.v. watching The Wiggles or Mighty Joe Young for the millionth time telling mommy and daddy what was going to happen next.

I miss seeing you sitting in your high chair playing with your mac & cheese. The way you would tell momy and daddy to cook and we would make you a hot dog, corn, mashed potatos. a slice of cheese, and anything else we thought you might eat.I miss wrapping my arms around you in the mornings to lift you out of bed and hugging you so tight at night when we would have our family hug after we said our goodnight to God.

I MISS MY JEREMIAH!

Amber Herman
September 2002

Today is Your Birthday

Today is your birthday, as it will always be,But instead of another year older,Forever two and a half you will be.Every year I will celebrate this day as your birthday,and not the Eve of New Year's Day.But it does not change the fact,that today you are still two and a half.So it will be that in ten years and twenty,I will celebrate my two and a half year old's birthday,Because today is your birthday, as it will always be.

Amber Herman
December 31, 2002

"Song of Saints"

Tell the loved ones we are safe now. Tell them we have no more pain. Do not hurry heaven's journey, but do not fear it just the same. All will go through times of grieving, every tear must be released; but live a tribute to our memory, heal your pain with holy peace. For our faith was never futile as we trusted in the Lord, every word now has been proven: all we knew and even more. Every promise christ has given through our voyage has proven true. Christ prepared us for a mansion and a mansion waits for you. So do not faintfrom earthly challenge, hold your faith and live it strong. Years on earth are but a moment, days in heaven go on and on.

"Song of Saints"

"Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep"

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush of quietbirds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I did not die.

author unknown

"Remembering"

Go ahead and mention my child,

the one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further,

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry,

I'm already crying on the inside.

Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending he didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

knowing that he has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing.

I feel it will take a lifetime.

By Elizabeth Dent

"I want to Play and Soar and Dream"

I want to play and soar and dream.
Fly above the fields until I am free.
No pain, no sorrow and no fear,
can touch me now that I am here.
Breathe in the breeze and feel the sun,
Across my face, I run and run!!!
I play and laugh among the trees,
Alive! Alive! I breathe! I breathe!
With legs so strong, I run so fast.
The world just smiles as I go past.
Sweet laughter bubbles up inside,
For freedom long denied, denied.
No tears, no pain, remembered here.
I've been released from all my fears,
To run and laugh until the day
When all bad things have passed away.

by Brenda Penepent

"If Given the Choice"

How many people can honestly say they know when the best years of their life were?

Parents who have lost a child can. I can. Whether it was one month, 2 years, 10 years, or 30. Those years were the best and they will never be like that again. The best years are gone forever, left to be remembered every waking day.

My best years were 2000 and 2001. My son, Jeremiah, was born on December 31st, 1999. Jeremiah was diagnosed with cancer on January 30th, 2002 and died August 24th, 2002. The best years of my life were the years I felt his love in my life every day before he knew the pain of fighting a losing battle for his life. The best years were the years before I knew the gut wrenching pain of losing him. The best years were the years that I still could see his future, could see him playing a baseball game, riding a bicycle, driving a car, graduating high school and then college, getting married, and having kids of his own. The best years were when I took for granted the joy of holding him in my arms and rocking him to sleep, to give him a kiss and tell him how much I love him, to walk into the room and watch his face light up just because he was so happy to see me.

Although I have been blessed with a second son, Jacob, whom I take nothing for granted and treasure every moment I have with him. I still spend all those moments knowing Jeremiah is not there being Jacob's big brother, helping mommy change Jacob's diaper, showing Jacob how to open presents on Christmas morning, teaching Jacob how to spit after he brushes his teeth, and Jeremiah is not there every night for story time, prayer time, and the "family hug". Each day is filled with memories of his smile, his laughter, the feel of his hand in mine, and the sound of his voice when he called "mommy".

If I were given the choice to keep those two best years and spend the rest of my life feeling that my life is not complete or to lose those two best years and not know this pain in my heart, which would I choose?

The choice is easy. My heart may ache every day for the son I lost but his love remains in my heart. I feel his love, light, and laughter every day in my life through his brother, through his father, and coming straight down from him when he checks in on us. And I know that when my time comes, he will be there with open arms waiting for me and we will be together again!

So given the choice, I would do it all over again to have those wonderful years with my Jeremiah and to have him waiting for me on the other side.

Amber Herman
November 2002

"My Angel, My Jeremiah"

My Angel, My Jeremiah,
When I look to the sky at night,
I find your star's shining light,
When I close my eyes,
I feel your smile so bright,
And when the morning sun rises,
your love embraces my heart so tight.
In a sky so full of clouds,
I know you're peeking down;
As I imagine you at play,
it's your laughter I feel that lets me know you're still here.
May I always know;
when I look to the sky, I can find My Angel, My Jeremiah.

Amber Herman
December 2002

"I Need You to Know"

I need you to know that you were the light of our lives,
that you brought more joy and happiness to us in two and half years than a lifetime had brought us before.
I need you to know how proud we are of you,
how your strength, courage, and determination strengthened mommy and daddy everday.
I need you to know how much we wanted to make all your hurts go away,
how every hurt you felt made our hearts ache for you.
I need you to know that every smile you smiled made our hearts soar with happiness and love.
I need you to know that we miss you desperately but we are comforted by memories of your smiling face and stories of all the ways you made us laugh.
I need you to know that every time we hold your little brother that we are holding you too,that with every kiss, handhold, hug and "I love you" that we say to him, we also say to you.
I need you to know that every "family hug" we share from this day forward, in our hearts, you will be the center of that hug.
I need you to know that you will always be our first child, our first true love, our first everything and as we introduce your little brother to all of his firsts', you will be there right beside us leading the way.
I need you to know that mommy and daddy's love knows no boundaries, that our love still surrounds you in heaven as our arms once surrounded you on earth.
I need you to know that we will love you forever and always "THIS MUCH" and that one day God will call for us and we will be together again for all of eternity.

Amber Herman
August 31,2002

ReDesigned Webpage & New Blogger

It's that time of year, Jeremiah's time. I've been talking about deleting the geocities website for a while but haven't had the heart to do it. Meanwhile, I've had all these crazy accounts on Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, etc. etc. Recently, our access at work has been cut off to these sites, understandably so. However, I've felt quite out of the loop. Then it occurred to me that I could re-design Jeremiah's website & link to all the things I want from there. For example, on Myspace I keep a Blog mostly about my back and the different things I'm trying so I can avoid surgery. This is why I set up the account with Blogger.



Anyways, who knows what all I may or may not be blogging about in the future. It seems like it will be a GREAT place to also update about the kids and all there antics!! You can really get an inside look on the Herman Clan this way! Like Benny pooping on the floor twice this past week! Oh yes, lots of fun!



Meanwhile, I'm going to keep working on setting everything up and I'll be blogging later!

Ghine aka. Amber