"If Given the Choice"

How many people can honestly say they know when the best years of their life were?

Parents who have lost a child can. I can. Whether it was one month, 2 years, 10 years, or 30. Those years were the best and they will never be like that again. The best years are gone forever, left to be remembered every waking day.

My best years were 2000 and 2001. My son, Jeremiah, was born on December 31st, 1999. Jeremiah was diagnosed with cancer on January 30th, 2002 and died August 24th, 2002. The best years of my life were the years I felt his love in my life every day before he knew the pain of fighting a losing battle for his life. The best years were the years before I knew the gut wrenching pain of losing him. The best years were the years that I still could see his future, could see him playing a baseball game, riding a bicycle, driving a car, graduating high school and then college, getting married, and having kids of his own. The best years were when I took for granted the joy of holding him in my arms and rocking him to sleep, to give him a kiss and tell him how much I love him, to walk into the room and watch his face light up just because he was so happy to see me.

Although I have been blessed with a second son, Jacob, whom I take nothing for granted and treasure every moment I have with him. I still spend all those moments knowing Jeremiah is not there being Jacob's big brother, helping mommy change Jacob's diaper, showing Jacob how to open presents on Christmas morning, teaching Jacob how to spit after he brushes his teeth, and Jeremiah is not there every night for story time, prayer time, and the "family hug". Each day is filled with memories of his smile, his laughter, the feel of his hand in mine, and the sound of his voice when he called "mommy".

If I were given the choice to keep those two best years and spend the rest of my life feeling that my life is not complete or to lose those two best years and not know this pain in my heart, which would I choose?

The choice is easy. My heart may ache every day for the son I lost but his love remains in my heart. I feel his love, light, and laughter every day in my life through his brother, through his father, and coming straight down from him when he checks in on us. And I know that when my time comes, he will be there with open arms waiting for me and we will be together again!

So given the choice, I would do it all over again to have those wonderful years with my Jeremiah and to have him waiting for me on the other side.

Amber Herman
November 2002